Return of a Ghost
by madeleine68
Summary: Olivia's barely coping. First she lost Alex, but now after "Undercover," she's truly lost. But ghosts from the past have an uncanny knack for reappearing when you need them most . . . THE FINAL CHAPTER IS UP! A/O Review for more!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: If you've seen them on the show, they're Dick Wolf's, not mine. Wish they were . . . a girl can dream, can't she?**

**Spoilers for **_**Loss **_**and **_**Undercover**_**. Possible spoilers for **_**Ghost**_**. A/O Enjoy the story!**

"_Help me! Help me!" I scream, no longer the tough cop I've been for the last nine years. My dignity is gone and I'm just another victim._

_He smacks me hard across the face and I clutch my burning cheek. He grabs me and pushes me against the door. I crumple to the floor, tears streaming down my cheeks, "Shut up!" he yells at me and I flinch, but I'm hysterical._

"_No! No! Let go of me!" I scream desperately._

_He pulls down his pants and gives me an arrogant smirk, knowing that he's won this round. "Bite me," he growls, "and you're dead."_

_Then the memory changes. Instead of Harris' face flashing through my mind, there's Alex, laying on the ground, her arm seeping blood as I kneel down in front of her, frantically trying to revive her. "Alex, it's okay, Alex. Alex, look at me. It's okay, sweetie. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me, Alex. They're coming right now. You're gonna be okay. Alex, you're gonna be okay."_

_But she's gone and I know it . . ._

I wake up drenched in a cold sweat, breathing hard. "Alex," I murmur, grabbing a pillow and squeezing it to my chest, pretending it's her. "Alex, Alex, Alex. Oh, Alex."

The tears run down my cheeks even as I try to hold them back. It's the same two nightmares every single night, one of my former girlfriend getting shot – almost killed – and the other of me being assaulted – almost raped. I can never rid these two traumatic experiences from my subconscious, much as I try to banish them while I'm awake. Even though I haven't seen Alex in three years, and maybe I've accepted that she's never coming back, I miss her still. More than anything, I miss her, the one who stole my heart with her wire framed glasses and icy blue eyes, with her five dollar words and platinum blonde hair, not one strand out of place, with her determination and passion to get justice for the victims however she can.

I remember the night before she left. It's as clear as day even now, four years later. We'd seen Agent Donovan get blown to smithereens by a car bomb, and much as my strong, independent Alex tried to pretend she wasn't downright terrified, the ice queen couldn't quite mask her fear. To save her some face, I invited her to spend the night with me at my apartment. This was partly for comfort and partly for her safety. They knew where she lived and she might have been the next casualty. She almost was.

Alex gratefully accepted the invitation and came back to my apartment. We'd spent the night together before, but these were the absolute worst possible circumstance. We climbed into bed together in silence, the explosion still ringing in our ears. She rolled onto her right side so she was facing away from me and pretended to be asleep, but I could see her shoulders shaking and I knew that she was crying. But I also knew that she didn't want any comfort right now. She needed some time to sort out her own thoughts and I gave it to her.

I lay in bed that whole night without sleeping at all. I was staying awake for Alex, just so I'd be there if she needed me, as I knew she would. Around 2:30 in the morning, I'd started to drift off, but my eyes snapped open at the sound of a tortured cry from beside me. Alex was thrashing around, her arms flailing wildly as tears streaked down her face and she sobbed as if her heart was breaking.

I gently shook her awake. "Alex, Alex," I whispered, and as her eyes flew open, I took her into my arms and gently stroked her hair. "Alex, it's okay. It's just me. It's Olivia. I'm here. You're safe."

I felt her tense body start to relax and gently massaged the muscles in her back. "Olivia?" she murmured sleepily.

"Yeah, honey. I'm here. You're okay."

She sighed and rested her head on my shoulder. The only time I've ever seen my Alex vulnerable.

**Review if you want chapter two!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: If you've seen them on the show, they' belong to Dick Wolf, not me. I'm just borrowing them.**

**First of all, my apologies if this seems a bit abrupt or predictable. This is a character-driven story, not a plot-driven one. Thanks to all my reviewers; you make my day!**

I arrive at work with dark bags under my eyes, carrying two cups of coffee, one for Elliot and one for myself. I hope Elliot won't notice how exhausted I am.

I reject the thought the moment I enter the precinct. Elliot glances up, his eyes boring a hole into my soul. "Nightmares again?" he murmurs as I plop into my desk chair adjacent to his.

I respond by handing him one of the cups of coffee.

"Ah, the fuel I need to start my day!" he exclaims. "Love ya, Liv."

I manage a wry grin. "You're so full of it."

Captain Cragen pokes his head out of his office and comes into the squad room. "How's that Rodriguez case going?"

"Slow," says Elliot with a shrug. Janissa Rodriguez is a six-year-old girl who was raped, but we still haven't figured out who did it. We've been working the case for almost a month, but we've exhausted most of our leads.

I stifle a yawn and nod my concurrence.

Elliot peers more closely at me. "Liv, are you okay?"

I snap out of it. "Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, El."

He still looks concerned, but he has the good sense to drop the subject.

After work, I decide to go down to the cemetery. I sit by Alex's gravestone and think. Most people are afraid of, or at the very least dislike, cemeteries, but I find them almost tranquil. I've never been religious, but being in a deserted place, the only people being spirits that went up to heaven long ago, is a peaceful, comforting thought. Sometimes when I'm here, I think the owners of these headstones are looking down on me and smiling.

I don't know why, but sitting next to Alex's gravestone always makes me feel closer to her. It shouldn't, because obviously there's no body beneath it, and Alex is still alive, but a million miles away. Sometimes I think it would be easier if she had died. Much as I hate to think that, at least I would be at peace, knowing she was safe and happy, free of all her pain and sorrow, dancing with the angels.

_She's lying on the ground, blood seeping from her wounded arm as I lean over her. "Alex, Yo''re gonna be okay. Alex, you're gonna be okay. Look at me. You're gonna be just fine. You're gonna be just fine. Now, just stay with me. Alex, Alex, Alex, Alex. It's okay. Look at me. Look at me."_

_But she can't, because she's dead._

I start awake to the sound of my cell phone. Breathing hard, trying to calm my pounding heart, I fumble around for the light and flip it on. I answer my phone with a groggy, "Benson."

"Hey, Liv," says Elliot. "It's me. I've got some good news and some bad news."

I groan and roll onto my side. "Bad news first."

"It doesn't work that way. It only makes sense if I tell you the good news first."

It's 3:00 in the morning and I'm not in the mood to play games with him right now. "Fine," I bark. "Good news."

"Whoa, whoa, calm down."

He sounds slightly offended and angry at the same time, so I sigh and make my apology. "Sorry, El. I'm just . . . never mind. The news."

"Velez is dead," Elliot tells me and my heart pummels.

I can hardly breathe. This is the day I've been waiting for for years and now finally, _finally _I'll get to see my Alex again. I almost burst into tears of joy right then and there, but I know I have to hold myself together. So in as measured a tone as I can muster, I say, "So Alex can come back now?"

He heaves a sigh. "Well, see, Liv, _Velez _is dead, but we haven't finished hunting down all of his cronies. That will probably happen soon, but as of yet, Alex still isn't safe."

I feel my fist clenching and tears to rush to my eyes. How cruel to build me up and then tear me down in the next sentence. "I'd kill them myself," I mutter.

"I know. And so would I. But we've just got to be patient. She will come back to us."

"Someday," I say wistfully, wishing with all my heart that she would appear right now, knocking on my apartment door and asking why the only thing I have in the fridge is a half-empty jar of pickles.

**Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: If you've seen them on the show, they aren't mine. They're Dick Wolf's. Sad, but such is life.**

I had to grieve for my Alex on three separate occasions and this – knowing she's so close, yet so far – seems like a fourth. Why is fate so cruel? I mourned her once when I thought she'd died, again when I'd found out she was alive but I would never see her again, and then a third time when she returned for three wonderful days, only to be whisked away once again.

I will never forget the night I found out she was leaving. I'd been walking around in a daze for the last few days. The squad room had been eerily silent and we were all living day by day. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, could barely _breathe_. All I could think about was my Alex.

And then Elliot and I got a message from Captain Cragen that the federal agents needed to meet with us once again, to tie up loose ends from the case. I almost didn't care, too worn out to think about anything but my beautiful, clever, witty, determined, passionate ADA.

In the end, it was Elliot who convinced me to go. "Maybe they'll give us some closure," he told me. "Come on. Let's go."

So I came with him, too exhausted to even grumble. I fell asleep in the car and was awoken to Elliot gently shaking my shoulders. "Liv," he breathed. "Look!"

My eyes widened at the sight and I jumped out of the car. _Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. _It couldn't be. It couldn't be true. She wasn't really here. She was dead. This couldn't be real. It was all just a wonderful dream.

I hoped I would never wake up.

Elliot materialized beside me as I stopped short, just a few feet from Alex Cabot. I was breathing so hard that I was almost hyperventilating. I never thought I'd live to see this day.

Tears rushed to my eyes and my knees threatened to give way. They were shaking so hard that I feared they wouldn't hold me up anymore and my heart was pounding so loudly that I was sure Alex could hear it. I blinked away the moisture that had accumulated in my eyes and whispered the only thing I could think of to say. "Your funeral's tomorrow."

She just looked at me, at a loss for what to say. The fiery, sharp, witty Alexandra Cabot was speechless.

All I wanted was to throw myself at her, run into her arms and beg her to take me with. In that one moment, I was ready to leave my entire life behind for her. I would give up being a detective, being with Elliot, even being Olivia, to be with her. I would be content to wander around the desert for a million years with my Alex, not caring where we ended up.

But I forced myself to stay back. Because I knew if I asked her to bring me wherever she was going, she wouldn't be able to say no.

Now, the pain pierces my heart like a knife and I collapse back onto my bed, the tears wracking my body so violently that I fear I'll stop breathing altogether. _Oh, Alex, Alex, Alex._ There's nothing more to say. There's nothing I can do. For four years, I've learned to live without her. No, not _live_. _Function_. For four years, I've learned to _function_ without her. I learned how to wake up in the morning without feeling like a heavy brick was weighing me down. I learned how to smile again, even though it never truly met my eyes. I learned how to mention Casey Novak's name without wincing, not because I didn't like her, but because I missed my Alex so much.

I spend the night sobbing into my pillow, the heart wrenching sobs shaking my body as I wet the pillow with salty tears.

I don't sleep for one minute and call in sick the next morning. I haven't taken a sick day for as long as I can remember – maybe I never took one. That's why the concern in my captain's voice doesn't faze me in the least when he asks me, "Are you okay, Liv?"

I sigh. "Velez."

"Oh." I know him well enough to know that he'd nodding his head sympathetically at my admission. "Okay. Take as long as you need."

I exhale deeply. "Thank you, Captain."

"Liv?"

"Yes?"

"She'll be back."

I flip my phone shut and wrap my arms around myself as I lay my head back down on my soaking wet pillow. I hug myself and pretend it's her, holding me in her arms, smoothing my hair and telling me that everything's going to be okay.

**Review if you want chapter four!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: If you've seen them on the show, they're not mine. They're Dick Wolf's. **_**Mais, c'est la vie.**_

**The moment you've all been waiting for . . . duh, duh, duh! I know it's short, but I thought this was the right place to end it. Enjoy.**

Days creep by ever so slowly and I get back into the swing of things. I still can't forgive Elliot for building me up and tearing me down like that, although I know it's not his fault. It's like learning to ride a bike and when you're finally balanced, someone deflates your front tire and you fall on your face, back where you started and all the hard work was for nothing.

Then one day, everything changes. Elliot and I are filing some paperwork in a rare moment of serenity. The squad room is silent and all I can hear is the steady hum of the heater and the clicking of Elliot's pen as he opens and closes it over and over, a nervous habit. "Could you stop that?" I finally snap.

He shrugs, but obediently ceases the irritating sound.

I sigh. "Sorry, El, I'm just a bit . . . edgy today."

He just stares at me and suddenly his eyes widen. I shift uncomfortably, wondering what's wrong. That's when I realize he's not looking _at _me but _past _me, _through _me, even. He just points.

I whirl around to see what he's pointing at and gasp out loud. Standing in the doorway is a tall, slender blonde with icy blue eyes.

She looks different than I remember her. Her hair's a bit longer and there are several more creases on her face, worry wrinkles. But those eyes are unmistakable. I'm looking straight at former Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot.

I suddenly feel as if I'm going to faint and grab the edge of my desk to steady myself. I'm torn between two conflicting urges: running into her arms and sobbing my heart out over her shoulder or throwing my arms around her and enveloping her lips with a passionate kiss. Both are equally appealing, but I know I can't do either. Elliot's here, his sharp eyes scrutinizing my every move. "Alex," I whisper, rendered speechless from the shock.

She manages a smile, a real one. I haven't seen that gorgeous smile in four entire years and even then it was a rarity. The muscles feel awkward from disuse, but I can't help but grin back like an idiot.

"Alex," I repeat, my throat constricting, unable to form any other coherent words. Her name, her beautiful name is all I can manage to choke out and it sounds so sweet on my tongue that I almost burst into tears right then and there.

Seeing the tears welling up in my eyes, Alex abandons her ice queen façade. In three steps, she's by my side and grasps my hand, clutching it like a lifeline. "I missed you, Liv," she whispers, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. We both want more and I can feel it, but this is as far as we're going to go with Elliot here.

He's watching us in interest, clearly unsure what to make of our encounter. We'd always kept our relationship secret; the others saw us as friends, nothing more. They knew we were close, but the special victims unit is like a tight-knit family and we're all close.

Feeling her warm, soft hand in mine sends me over the edge and the tears spill down my cheeks like large wet pearls. This is too much, too much for me to handle right now. I'm too overwhelmed to even speak.

I see Alex's face soften and then she's there, just like she always was before, her arms wrapped around me like a protective skin, stroking my hair and murmuring words of comfort in my ear as I sob my pain into her shoulder. Suddenly not caring who's watching, I bury my face in Alex, inhaling the sweet fragrance of her vanilla scented perfume. This is what I've wanted for so long and it's like a dream come true.

This is where I belong.

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	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: If you've seen them on the show, they don't belong to me (though I wish they did . . .) They belong to Dick Wolf.**

**I apologize in advance if Olivia seems a bit out of character. I tried. And yes, I know it's another short one but I thought this was the right place to end it for now.**

Even though I've never been one for crying, I suddenly can't seem to stop. I cry and cry and cry for what seems like forever, going limp in Alex's arms as she strokes my hair in comfort. I'm aware of Elliot's eyes boring a hole into my back but I don't care. All I care about is getting as close to Alex as possible, holding her tightly and never letting go.

Finally, I run out of tears. I just collapse against Alex, too overwhelmed to say or do anything else. This isn't me. This is the happiest day of my life and it's reduced me to a sobbing mess in my girlfriend's arms. I'm Olivia Benson and I never cry. I never show anyone that I'm weak. I never let them see past that outer shell made up of steel and fool's gold.

She still doesn't say a word, just rubs my back in small, gentle circles, giving me the comfort I so desperately need as my sobs gradually abate. Finally, when I'm calmer, she whispers to me, "Are you okay, Liv?"

Her voice sounds so sweet, like music to my ears. The voice I've waited three long years to hear and it sets me off again. I wrap my arms around her like a lifeline, unable to let go, terrified that I'll lose her again if I do.

She lets me cry myself out once again, but this time when I stop, I'm done for real. I look up into her clear blue eyes, tears swimming in my own brown ones as I blink them away. "I missed you, Alex," I tell her quietly.

She gives me a wry smile. "It's good to be _Alex _again. I was Emily for a year and Taryn for three more. Now I can just be _me_."

I smile back and let go of her, standing a few appropriate feet away. "That must be a relief."

She nods enthusiastically. "It is. It's good to be back. It's good to be _here_, in New York. There's no other place quite like NYC."

I know just what she means. I lived in the suburbs as a child, but all I ever wanted was to move to the big city. I love the hustle and the bustle, how there's always something happening. I love the way the city never sleeps, the beauty of New York on a dark night when the city lights up. Most of all, I love the anonymity of big cities. You can walk down the street and no one knows your name or anything about you. You can smile at strangers without worrying what they're going to think of you.

Well, Alex can. I can't. I used to be able to and that was what I craved as a child, the anonymity. But now, people move away from me on the street and it's as frustrating as hell. I told this to Elliot once. "Everything about you just screams 'cop!'" he joked, but there was an element of truth beneath the words and we both heard it.

"Come with me," I whisper, suddenly feeling needier than I've felt in the last four years, possibly the neediest I've felt in my entire life. "Back to my place. We'll spend the night, just like we used to."

Her face crinkles into another smile. _That's twice_, I think to myself. _Alex is back and she's smiled at me twice already. _It's more than I could have ever hoped for.

Then I realize that Elliot's still there, watching us with his wary gaze. I turn to him, a bit embarrassed. But he knows me so well. Before I even open my mouth to form the words, he says, "Take Alex back to your place. Take the rest of the day off, maybe tomorrow too. Catch up."

I give him a grateful smile and mouth _Thank you _as Alex and I turn to go.

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: If you've seen them on the show, they don't belong to me (though I wish they did . . .) They belong to Dick Wolf.**

By the time we reach my apartment, I've managed to compose myself, but I still can hardly believe it. _Alex _is back. My Alex is _back_. For good, this time.

On the cab ride over, I give her a once-over. Her hair is a bit longer and even though she's always been thin, she's lost more weight. There's something different about her, though, and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe it's the fact that she's clad in blue jeans and a long sleeved red t-shirt, and I've never seen her in anything but a no-nonsense business suit. Even when she used to spend the night, she had two states of dress: professional and none at all – which was nothing to complain about, but still.

No, that's not it. It's her posture. Alex was always such a lawyer, holding her head high, her back ramrod straight. Her posture was always so . . . distinguished. And even when she was just walking down the street, you could see that she _was _somebody. But now, she's actually _slouching_. I've never seen her slouch before.

We arrive and I pay the cab driver, then lead Alex up to my apartment.

"Still just as messy as when I left," she comments, her lips quirking upward.

I laugh. "Sorry, I didn't know I was having company."

She laughs too and brushes aside a pile of old newspapers that I've been meaning to recycle for the past year but have never got around to. She flops down on my couch. "It's okay."

But there's something in her eyes that confuses me. The way she's looking at me makes me shift uncomfortably as I plop down beside her.

"You've changed," she says quietly.

She's right. I've spent the last hour falling in and out of hysteria, something the Olivia she used to know would never do. But I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster and all I need right now is her. Between dealing with Sealview – and even I recognize my PTSD for what it is – and losing her and getting her back and losing her again and now getting her back again, it's all too much. But instead, I manage a small smile. "That does tend to happen over a period of three years."

But she isn't joking. She reaches out to put her hand on my shoulder and I flinch involuntarily at the unexpected contact. I only came back from Sealview a month ago and every unanticipated touch still makes me shy away. It reminds me too much of _him_. I'm praying Alex didn't notice.

No such luck. "Olivia," she says, taking her hand away and peering at me with such an expression of concern that it makes me want to burst into tears once again.

She's only been back an hour and already she's trying to take care of me. It's so ironic now that the roles are reversed. The night before she was shot, it was I who comforted her, holding her and stroking her hair, soothing her until she felt safe once again. Now she's the one trying to look after me.

She's the only one I've ever been able to accept help from.

"Liv," Alex continues in a soft, gentle voice. "What's wrong, honey?"

This is the tone she uses with victims, with children, the tone she uses when she's trying to hold back her emotions – or her tears. I shake my head. I can't tell her. I can't burden her any further; she has enough to deal with on her own. Plus – much as I hate to admit it – I'm ashamed. I haven't told anyone what truly happened in that basement, even Elliot, whom I trust explicitly – but not explicitly enough to share that particular piece of information. I've sworn Fin to secrecy about what happened – what _almost _happened.

As if that makes it any easier.

I wince at what I've done, hoping I haven't made her feel any more uncomfortable than she already is, hoping I haven't driven her away. We were best friends and lovers for a long time, but a lot can happen in three years. We've both changed since we last saw each other. "I'm sorry, Alex."

But she's not ready to let it go. "No, Liv. What's wrong?" She pauses, considering something, then asks me a question with a hint of something unfamiliar in her voice. It takes me a moment to place it – _hesitancy. _I have never heard my Alex sound uncertain before. "Is it me?"

"No, no!" I assure her hastily. "No, of course not, Alex. I – I missed you. I've waited so long and this – this is just –" I stop, unsure how to phrase it. What I really want to blurt out is, "I love you," but I know I can't. It's too soon. I know Alex and she's not going to want to jump back into things.

She leans forward, using that voice she uses when trying to coax information out of someone. "Then what is it?"

I open and close my mouth, once, twice, three times, unsure what to say. Finally, I shake my head and whisper, "I can't tell you, Alex. I can't talk about it. I'm sorry."

"Liv," she says softly. "Whatever's bothering you, I want to help you through it, just like you did for me. I don't like to see you like this."

I bow my head and repeat, "I'm sorry."

Alex sighs. "Is there _anything_ I can do, Liv? Anything at all?"

All I want right now is her and, even though I don't want to seem too dependent, I can't help but tell her so. Biting my lower lip, I lean toward her and whisper, "Hold me."

She looks surprised for a moment, but then she does. My body relaxes and I melt into her embrace. I've waited three years for this moment and it feels so good.

**Review for chapter seven!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine. They belong to Dick Wolf. I just like to play around with them.**

**I know this is a short one again; I apologize. The next chapter will be longer.**

We go to bed together. I can hear Alex's even breathing on the pillow beside me, but I can't sleep. I just lay there watching her. This seems too good to be true and I'm scared that if I close my eyes, I'll wake up to find that this is all just a wonderful dream.

"'Livia," murmurs Alex groggily, rolling over so she's facing me. I jump; I'd thought she was asleep. "What did they say about me at my funeral?"

I suppress a smirk at this seemingly random question. "They said what a great prosecutor and what a great person you were, how you always fought for justice and were a true hero who 'died' fighting for what you believed in. They said how much they loved you and how much they'd missed you and lamented the tragedy. Get this – even _Langan _spoke and said what an honour it was to go up against you, even though you were on opposing sides."

I remember the funeral as if it was yesterday. The way it felt like I was losing Alex all over again, the way everyone wept. But I didn't, because I knew she wouldn't have wanted me to. I remember the rain that poured down by the bucketful, drenching us all, making it seem as if the whole world was crying along with us.

Alex props herself up on her elbow, her deep, beautiful blue eyes twinkling. "What did _you _say about me, Detective?"

It's so strange to be called _Detective _when I'm in bed with my girlfriend, but I reply simply, "I said that you were my best friend and even though sometimes we disagreed about a lot of things, you were the best prosecutor I ever met and I was going to miss you so much." I smirk. "I didn't tell them how good in bed you are, if that's what you're asking."

She laughs. "I wasn't, but thanks."

Blushing, I duck my head. "Yeah, well . . . 'night, Alex."

"Goodnight."

Within minutes, she's fast asleep again. Hesitating for a moment, I reach out and wrap my arms around her. If I hold on tight and don't let go, maybe she'll still be there when I wake up.

_He's back again, hitting, chasing the powerless woman he has at his mercy. "You have two choices," he growls. "You can come out and make it up to me or I can tell them you tried to escape and you wound up dead."_

_The predator's found his prey and his mouth curls into an arrogant smirk. He's hitting, shoving – "That's to show you who's boss."_

_But this time, I'm above my body, watching the scene but powerless to stop it. And this time the victim isn't me._

_It's Alex._

I sit up in bed, cold sweat trickling down my forehead, and let out a bloodcurdling scream, shouting her name over and over again. _Alex, Alex, he's hurting her, he's going to rape her, he's going to kill her, Alex, Alex, oh, my Alex!_

"Liv!" I feel strong arms pull me close, but I fight them. _It's him, it's him, it's him, and he's going to hurt me too. _"Liv," says the voice again, more firmly this time. "It's okay, honey, it's okay. I'm here. You're okay. It was just a dream. I'm here. I'm right here."

_Oh, my God. _I cringe in humiliation. It was just a dream. Alex is here, holding me, and I'm safe in her embrace. I'm okay. She's okay. Everything's okay.

I bury my head in her shoulder, too ashamed to even look at her. All I've done is worry her even more, and for what? It was just a dream. It's not real.

Maybe if I keep telling myself that, one day I'll start to believe it.

**Review for the next chapter!**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Olivia's not mine, Alex isn't mine, Elliot isn't mine, **_**Law and Order SVU **_**isn't mine . . . you get the picture.**

This isn't me. I never used to cry but for the third time in twenty-four hours, I'm hysterical in my girlfriend's arms. But then, maybe this _is _me, the new me, the one that Alex sees, and that's why she says I've changed. I _have_.

Rubbing my back in gentle circles, she eases away the remnants of the dream that keep replaying in my mind. We don't speak, but we don't have to. It's second nature for us to be like this, a united front.

Finally, Alex's hand stills on my back and she lets go of me, so that I'm sitting cross-legged, facing her like I'm a small child as her hand reaches out to cup my chin. "Liv," she says quietly. "I need you to tell me what happened."

"I – I can't," I choke out, my throat constricting. She wants me to tell her about Sealview, but oh, I can't. I can't bear her pity or my own shame. I can't do this.

"Liv," she whispers. "I love you. And nothing you can ever tell me will change that one fact."

My heart skips a beat. _She loves me. She loves me. She loves me and I love her. We can be together now. She's back and she loves me. _"I can't," I whimper again, but the fight is slowly draining from me.

"I know you've been hurt, honey," she says in that same calm, gentle voice. "But talking about it helps. You know that."

I force myself to look into those bottomless blue eyes, waiting expectantly for an answer I don't want to give. But this is Alex and I can't help myself. In as measured a tone as I can muster, I begin my tale. "Two months ago, a sixteen-year-old girl was raped. She told us the perp was a prison guard, one of the officers at the prison where her mother was incarcerated on drug charges." I glance at Alex and she nods encouragingly, so I continue. "Ashley told me that the guard was raping her mother too and other female inmates at Sealview and I – I just had to do _something _to help her. I went undercover as an inmate." I stop, not trusting myself to look into her eyes, afraid of what I'll see in her bottomless baby blues. But then it comes out all in a rush. "Oh, Alex, it was awful there. You can't imagine what it's like. There's no privacy, there's nothing. It's everyone for themselves and the others just want to hurt you. And I was so stupid – I started a riot and then Captain Harris told me I was going to the hole and I went with him and then he – he brought me down to the basement and –" I let out a strangled sob. "I tried to fight him. As hard as I could. But he was just too strong and he tried – he tried to rape me – and if Fin – if Fin hadn't gotten there in time – he would have – and I – I would have been just like my mother. _Just like her. _Now I know how she felt." Tears stain my cheeks once again as I wrap my arms around her. "Oh, Alex."

She doesn't say anything for a long time, just holds me and strokes my hair as my sobs gradually subside. Finally, she says quietly, "It wasn't your fault."

I look up at her, right into those beautiful blue eyes. "I know. But sometimes – sometimes I think – I mean, I'm a _detective_, not a civilian. I should have been able to protect myself." Then I look at the ground again, voicing the one truth that I fear the most. "I'm weak."

"No," she says forcefully. "You're _not _weak, Liv. Don't ever think that about yourself. You are a brave, compassionate, competent woman who fights for justice at whatever the cost. You're the strongest person I know."

I don't say anything, just lean my head against her shoulder again, revelling in the warmth her closeness brings. She's too good for me.

**Review if you want chapter nine!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Nothing's mine . . . blah, blah, blah, you know already. They all belong to Dick Wolf.**

**This is going to be the last chapter. Hope you like it.**

Finally, I fall into a deep slumber. My conscience is clear and I know that I'm safe. Now I can sleep in peace, knowing that Alex's protective arms are wrapped around me and I've expelled my nightmares. Telling Alex about Sealview lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and for the first night, I'll sleep soundly in the arms of the girlfriend I missed so much, the girlfriend I _love_ so much. And this is why.

I wake up in the morning with my head resting on Alex's chest, her arms still enveloping me in her warm embrace, even as she sleeps. Her even breathing makes my head rise and fall. It should feel suffocating, but it doesn't. It's the safest feeling in the entire world.

I wonder what wonderful thing I might have done to deserve waking up in such bliss. Wrapped in the arms of my girlfriend, I think this must be the happiest feeling in the world.

I feel her stir beneath me and almost sit up out of instinct, but then lay my head back down. Her gentle fingers toy with my hair as she opens her eyes. "'Morning, Liv," she murmurs sleepily.

Letting out a soft purr, I roll onto my side so I'm facing her, content just to lie here with my girlfriend, allowing her to remind me how loved I truly am. I never thought she'd wait for me, but she has, and this is more than I could have ever expected. Before she left, we never got very far in terms of a relationship – we slept together sometimes, but that was _all _we did. There were slightly less than innocent touches and gentle, blissful kisses, but nothing more. She always made me feel so loved, like I was more than I was, if that makes any sense. Now, I think we've both realized how precious life – and love – truly is, and how it can be yanked away in the blink of an eye. There's no time to waste anymore because we could wake up tomorrow morning and realize that this was all just a wonderful, perfect dream, with Alex in Witness Protection and me wondering how I ended up where I am today.

"Hi," I say in a small voice.

She gives me one of those smiles that can change my world outlook in the blink of an eye and I melt. "Are you okay?"

I nod. I'm better than I have been in a long, long time.

We learn how to live again, a sweet, joyful life together. I marvel at the bliss I feel every morning when I sit up in bed and the realization hits me that my Alex, my wonderful Alex, beautiful inside and out, is beside me. I marvel at the bliss I feel when I wake up in the middle of the night with her arms wrapped around me like a protective shell. I marvel at the bliss I feel when we have a romantic dinner on Saturday and turn on some music, and before we know it, we're dancing around the room and giggling helplessly.

I marvel at the fact that my nightmares have all but disappeared, and on the rare occasions that they return, Alex is there, holding me and soothing away my pain.

This is what life should be.

**I know the end is kind of abrupt, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. Please review if you did.**


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